If you want that authentic, pit-barbecued blue-corn-chip twang in your French accent, be sure to follow these rules:
- Make every vowel a diphthong. Swallow, grin, or yawn--or purse or
wiggle your lips--to modulate each vowel as it passes through. Examples:
"é" must become "aey," "o" goes to "ohw", "i" should become "eeeyyuh."
"Oui" for "yes" is pronounced "Ooooh--weeeh!", just as Jed Clampett
used to exclaim. If you fail to diphthongize your vowels, you risk sounding
untexan.
- Swallow your "l's". Gulp them into the back of your throat, just as
in American. "L's" pronounced with the tongue too close to the front
teeth risk an unseemly continentalism.
- Forget dealing with french "r's." It's a sissy-sounding consonant
anyway. Just use the American "r," as in "Har, Har." For a lighter lonestar
accent, leave off all the final "r's" -- for example, the preposition
"par" can be pronounced "paw."
- Don't bother nasalizing the nasal vowels. Just go "pa" (with "a" as
in "cat") for pain.Better yet, skip the bread and serve corn
chips.
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- Always say "day" for "de," "des," "du," or "de la." Alternatively,
you can say "Duh-uh."
- Don't be afraid to pause between words or syllables. Take a break!
Think about something else! When you start speaking again, your listener
will probably remember where you left off.
- Put the stress on the syllable furthest from the end of the word.
Example: "olive" should be pronounced "AAAAAAAA-liv," not "a-lEEEEEEEv."
A longer word like "inspiration" should have lots of stresses, anywhere
but the last syllable.
- If you have to say one of those words that contains an "eux" vowel,
prolong the vowel and then cough or gag at the end, e.g. "bleu"-->"bleu--eugh!"
- Any questions? Ask your puffer-sewer!
Here are a few texafransh snacks you can serve at your next secession party:
- Poow-lay oh Dr. Pepper rewzh. (Chicken stewed in red Dr. Pepper)
- Buff on croot du-uh ships du-uh mah-ees bleugh. (Roast beef in blue
corn pastry crust.)
- Frow-modge day shev hose aaaahlvz nwah ay dridos. (Goat cheese with
black olives and Doritos.)
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